When You Can’t Let Go of a Bad Habit
Reveal its secondary gain.
If I just got up early, read more books, and ate healthy food, I would become the person I want to be.
Still, I sleep in, watch TV, and enjoy junk food. Why is it so hard to change our bad habits?
If we try to change something, and we don’t understand why it does not work — we should get clear about our secondary gain.
We adopt habits behavior to fulfill some purpose. Even binge-watching Netflix fulfills the purpose to not make you think about work you avoid and experience negative feelings.
The secondary gain is the benefit you have from sticking to the behavior that you want to change. Depending on the gain’s strength, it can make it impossible for you to make progress.
Secondary gains are subconscious
We are more often than not unaware of them. Also, they are not what pops up as first thought.
Binge-watching can cover boredom. But what it really covers are negative emotions.
Staying in bed can be laziness. Or it can talk about your wish to spend some quiet time with your spouse.
Three steps to cut the strings that hold you back
First, reveal your real secondary gain behind a behavior you want to change. Second, find out the need behind this secondary gain. Third, find new, healthy ways to fulfill this need.
In the following, I give you an example of the full process.
1. How to reveal the secondary gain
There is a simple exercise explained in the book “Ditching Imposter Syndrom“ by Clare Josa. You write down a list of reasons why you have not adapted your new behavior. That’s it.
Say, for example, you want to eat healthy.
Then write:
I don’t eat healthy because …
- … it is convenient to buy processed food
- … it tastes better
- … it is cheaper
- … it is an effort to prepare
- … I cannot cook
- … my friends don’t care about healthy food
- … my husband will think I am weird and annoying
- … my husband won’t join me in eating healthy food
- … I cannot do the change alone
- … I have to find the time to prepare
Don’t restrict or judge. Write down anything that comes to mind.
What you can observe: The first few reasons were obvious. The longer the list gets, the more deeper reasons pop up. You feel stronger emotions when you enlist those reasons.
Make a list of at least ten reasons. Once you run out of ideas, stare at the list for a few more minutes. Usually, what comes after this first dip is the real, hidden truth.
Then, mark those reasons that resonate most. There is no right or wrong. For some, you might experience a clearer “yes” than for others.
In our list, let’s pick reasons six and eight:
“None of my friends eats healthy” and “My husband won’t join me in eating healthy”.
2. What is the need behind those reasons?
Behind each of your reasons, there is an inner need that wants to be fulfilled. If we gave up our undesired behavior, this need is at risk to be unmet. Hence, you subconsciously manipulate your success.
We adopted strategies to fulfill our needs throughout our lives. Sometimes, these strategies are less effective now than they used to be. Especially since we adopt most of them in our childhood when we were dependent and vulnerable. That’s why needs are not rational! Write them down as they come. Listen to your inner child and what it wants to protect. Your rational thinking might judge. Yet, let them just come and write them down. We can rationalize them later.
“My friends don’t care about healthy food”. This means: I don’t want to be different from my friends. I want to belong to the group. I don’t want to be the weirdo. That brings the risk that my friends will not spend time with me. I have to say no to my friends. And so on.
The need is: I want to belong. I want to be accepted. I want to be alike. I don’t want to be a burden. But there is also a fear: They will not accept me if I am different. (Note, this is just what your subconscious mind tells you! It is not the truth).
The desire to belong to a group is one of our deepest inner programs. It’s normal and for our ancestors, it meant to survive! Everything important for surviving in the very old days is really hard to ignore.
Let us take a look at the other example before we continue to step three:
“My husband won’t join me in eating healthy food.”
This might say: I don’t want to eat alone. I want to be a normal family where everyone sits together for dinner. If we don’t eat the same meal, this is not possible. I need my husband and me to make everything together, else our marriage is at stake.
The need can be to be a “normal“ family, to have a fellow, to have a stable marriage.
Again, all of those needs are just there, nothing to be judged, but to be acknowledged. This is what you need and that’s ok. The key is to fulfill those needs healthily. Time for step three:
3. How can I fulfill those needs without jeopardizing my new and good behavior?
This step is about understanding your needs a little deeper and then make wise choices. These choices let you stay true to what you need, take yourself seriously, and yet be clear about what that requires and what that doesn’t require. The goal is to take agency for your needs and for your wish to adopt good new habit.
To illustrate this step, let us pick again two of the needs identified before:
- I don’t want to be a burden.
- I want to be a normal family
There’s a lot of heavy stuff behind this salad, isn’t it?
The needs come from our deepest inner. They are substantial, often from our inner child that wants to survive and be loved.
Now it’s time for your inner grown up to take control. Let us rationalize those needs and make sure they are fulfilled for real.
I don’t want to be a burden.
What does it mean to be a burden? To make it extra complicated. For example, if you want to meet with your friends at a restaurant and everyone prefers that great new burger place (I truly believe there will be a day with no more Covid restrictions). If you now want to eat healthy food, it might be tricky to find something on the menu. And you don’t want to be the one eating the salad while everyone digs into its fries (Second need: I want to be alike).
And wouldn’t it also be ok, to be honest with your friends? They are your friends, aren’t they? So don’t go and hide! Maybe it’s ok for them to change plans for you as long as they can spend the evening with you.
Good news: You have options. First, eat your salad (or also a steak with veggies) as the most normal thing in the world. Maybe someone else in the group might even take you as an inspiration. Maybe someone else has the same inner needs as you do and you might be giving them a subconscious answer here.
Second, find a different option. Let them know that you want to be more fit and healthy and another place has both burgers and steaks. Be honest and constructive!
Third: Enjoy that burger! Eating healthy food has nothing to do with never enjoying anything unhealthy. It has to do with a good balance. Have fun with your friends, enjoy the food (most likely, you will feel so tired and full that next time it’s already normal to make a more healthy choice. Maybe it isn’t and that’s fine, too). To respect your own wishes, you can ensure that you don’t show up completely starved so that you eat slow and mindful and enjoy the evening with your friends. You can also make sure that you always prepare good food at home so that those restaurant visits once in a while are totally fine. To me, this is the most grown-up choice: You’re neither absolute in your diet, nor are you pushing yourself through eating the salad while everyone else enjoys fries if that frustrates you (this might backfire anyway).
You have options. You can choose rationally and fulfill your need in a grown-up, mindful, and self-compassioned manner. Be proactive, constructive, decouple time with your friends, and your health-goal.
I want to be a normal family
What does a normal family do? What would be different if you weren’t a “normal” family? Would that make you an inferior family? Would it change anything in the love for your husband, kids, dog?
Just get clear about what it is that a normal family or the kind of family you would love to have does. And get clear how that family is once you’re fat, unhealthy, sick because of non-healthy food? So get clear about the need and what it means to you. Needs have many, many layers!
Maybe you want a family that spends time together. You can spend time and at the same time, everyone eats what he likes.
Maybe you want support from your spouse: You can ask him or her for it. Supporting you does not mean they also have to do what you think is best for you.
So make sure you be very differentiated about what “normal” is, about the behavior you need from yourself and others, about the core of your need. And see whether or not that relates to your eating habits.
Again, you have options.
Summary
If you find yourself jeopardizing change, take the time to find the secondary gain that lies in not changing your behavior. Find the inner need behind this secondary gain. This is the strong power that holds you back. Then find solutions to fulfill the real need and yet have the freedom to achieve your desired change.
Make sure your secondary gain is met, that the real need behind it is met in a healthy manner. The worst would be to just ignore it — this backfires and you will never achieve your goal! You can’t work against yourself for a longer period.
Understand yourself better, rely on your inner wisdom, and get a little creative. And: There’s always trial and error, so don’t give up. This journey to our inner needs is a journey that has many milestones, is interesting and wonderfully liberating.
